“Will my kids be okay? Will they get through this?”
A friend of mine asked me this question recently and I lied. I looked her dead in the eyes and said, “Yes, they will be fine. They will get through this. You worry too much, “ I told her.
The truth is I have no clue. None of us do, do we? Things that leave some of us battered and bruised, leave others without a single scratch. No visible scars. No signs of injury. It’s a guessing game really, or a good round of Russian roulette, trying to predict what may, make or break, someone.
My friend is going through a nasty, messy, complicated, divorce. She is at odds with her soon to be ex-husband, and her children are struggling to make sense of it all. What went wrong? Whose fault is it? Did I do something? Can it be fixed?
I remember those questions all too well. They are the same questions I needed answers to when my parent’s divorced. I can not even begin to tell you the amount of time I wasted trying to make the pieces of the puzzle of my parent’s demise fit. What happened? What piece went missing, was it love? Did they even have all the pieces to begin with?
All those questions kept me up at night, but what really bothered me was the fact that I could not pinpoint a specific moment or turn of an event when everything started to go sour. One day, they were over the moon and through the sun happy, and the next day M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E. It happened so silently and so gradual none of us even noticed until sour turned to bitter. Those life events that catch you off guard are the ones that leave you constantly looking at your life through a lens of a microscope, hoping to catch that one bad cell, before it turns into a full blown flesh eating virus.
The older I got, the more I realized, I didn’t need to know all the answers. I had hoped to find some tragic flaw or missing ingredient in my parent’s marriage. If they had been doomed from the very beginning, then they were an anomaly, and there would still be hope for me, hope to succeed in love. If I could only just find it, put my finger on it, and then all my faith in love would be restored. I never found a tragic flaw or missing ingredient, it didn’t exist.
Basically, my parent’s were no different than any other couple. They fell in love, took a risk, and lost. Who knows when you say, “I do”, how long forever will last. For some love endures to the grave and beyond, for others it’s over before the ink dries on the marriage certificate. Love is nothing more than a Wild Gamble. You play the hands you’ve been dealt and pray for a Royal Flush, but more times than not, you end up folding, losing it all, including your heart.
So, how did I deal? How did I survive the “Divorce”? My parents. They loved me through it, not together, but separately. They loved me through the rebellion, the mad teenage angst, the frustration, the back talking, and the disrespect. They loved me through it all. They may have given up on love, but they didn’t give up on me. I survived and I hope her kids do too.
I survived. In fact, I thrived. Living with two people who don’t love each other is much worse than the inconvenience of shuttling between parents. The best thing my parents did was to agree that neither was to blame. Growing up they never bad-mouthed the other or put us in the middle.
I agree, Alena! If your parent’s are going to separate the best thing they can do for the kid’s, is to do it amicably. I’m glad your parent’s did it right because you haven’t definitely thrived from the sound of things
I agree – it is so confusing at this age. Your friend and kids are lucky to have you there for them.
Thank you, so much, for the lovely comment and I totally agree about the confusing part!
Great post today. Been there as the child and the parent. It is never easy.
Thank u and you are right it is never easy! Glad to see you survived both ends of the spectrum
Oh, this is such a great post! I went through the same thing and constantly worried about my six kids. But they had the support and love of us both. They are grown now and wonderful people. No, I don’t think it was luck. You may lose your own love but never the love of your kids.Your actions towards them prove your love and they know it.
As always Artzent, you are 100% correct. Love hides a multitude of sins, doesn’t it? Lovely comment!
I survived, too, but just by virtue of being old enough to spend most of my time away from my parents, and then by moving out of province and kind of resenting everyone until I was old enough to know better.
That being said, my relationship with both of them now is amazing. Humans are super resiliant.
I am glad u survived, too! We humans are definitely resilient
. Thank God!
I can really relate to this. And it makes me nervous in my old five year old marriage – how did my parents know when it was time to call it quits? How do you keep that from happening? My parents were wonderful and loved me seperately and perfectly as you said, but it still left me with doubts about my capacity to be in a forever marriage…thanks for a beautiful and thoughtful post.
I understand completely. The longer my marriage lasts the less doubts I have about forever, but in the beginning I had a lot. I have a greater understanding now of how things can very easily go amiss. Love is very delicate. Thanks for commenting.
Really glad to hear that goes away. Thanks for the hope!
Marriage? Kids? Plan for the worse and hope for the best…and a lot of work, honest and sincere work!
Hey, Bob! You are exactly right, especially about the hard work part!
It is so true-we do not need to know all of the answers – a nice aha moment for you when you realized it–a nice aha moment for me now