What kind of Mother am I
My husband and I had the opportunity to “dine out” without our children. Yeah! Thanks, Mom! As you can tell from the excitement it’s not something we get to do very often, partly by choice. So, I really made an effort to do what the sexy ladies at Cosmopolitan recommend and totally focus on the hubby; avoiding any topics child related.
I promise, I tried. I really, really, did try! I stared deep into my hubby’s eyes. I held his hand occasionally and hung onto his every word. For a nano second, I remembered what our life was like before we became parents. Then something caught my attention and wrecked my focus! Darn it!
I was pigging out on fajitas with con queso, when I overheard a LOUD, teenage girl talking trash about her mother to her friends. Oh, I felt a pang in my chest and an ache in my tummy!
I remember those days, not entirely with fondness. Yes! I “talked” about my mother when I was a teenager! I feel so Ashamed and so guilty!! My Mom is thee, very best, mother in the whole entire world, and I said bad things about her. But, I promise I didn’t mean any of it. I was young and stupid and, well, just plain stupid! Mom, If it makes you feel any better i never talked about you in any public place. It was usually only to one or two people. It only occurred after you wouldn’t let me do what I wanted, or you had just busted me doing something that was prohibited by you and/or THE LAW! Love you, Mom! Forgive me, please!
After the shame and guilt passed from my own transgressions, I begin to think about what my life will be like when I have a teenage daughter. What kind of mother will I be? I’ve not been a mom very long so I feel like I’m still trying to find my niche. Sometimes, I am stern, other times I am doting. Sometimes, I am their best friend, other times I am unpredictable. I am always loving, but truly clueless more often than I care to admit. While I was trying to figure out what type of mother I really wanted to be, my thoughts switched to what type of teenager my Lauryn may possibly turn out to be.
My thoughts of Lauryn as a teenager almost sent me screaming to the ladies room. The possibilities of Broken curfews, Boys, and Booz made me want to hurl. I imagined myself pacing the floor, biting my nails, and dialing 911 if the curfew is missed. I can see myself administering breathalyzers, drug tests, and God Forbid, pregnancy tests. I can see myself explaining my psychotic mom behavior to Lauryn. “Lauryn, I know what teenagers do. I was one once, not that long ago. I know how your mind works.”. At this thought, I began to really panic. My mind was flooded with memories I would never relive for my mom’s sake.
Then I got a flash of the mother I would become in ten years and it scared me. I was destined to become a flipping helicopter mom, hovering and swarming in on, Lauryn’s every move. I saw Lauryn hoping and wishing that I would crash and burn. I couldn’t take it any longer. I excused myself to the ladies room.
I had to take a moment for composure and remind myself that, yes, I was a teenager once. Yes, I made some mistakes, but I survived. My mother even survived. I can panic and freak out now over something that may not be that bad, right! Lauryn is not me. She will not have the same friends or boyfriends that i had. Yes, I do know she will make her fair share of mistakes, but I can’t make nor correct them for her. I will force myself to trust, and KEEP trusting her, until she gives me a reason to believe otherwise (I know. She will). If not, I will drive myself, and my daughter, certifiable CrAzY! It will lead her to talk trash about me to her friends in Mexican restaurants where other, not there yet, mothers can hear! And Panic! Breathe, Tammy, Breathe!!
P.S. During all this Panic, this song kept playing in mind:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4a_EBEKOq2M&ob=av2e